So here I set. Too tired to sleep, I don't feel like vegging in front of the tube... & so I thought I'd try to get some thougths down. Now I don't reallyknow if I can even manage that. I notice that many times I start typing with a specific target in mind & thanks to usually doing this late at night, I end up missing the mark. Expect some painful spelling errors!
The roommate & I went out to dinner last night. Both of us had experienced a tough week (his tougher than mine) so we decided to kill a few drinks & some Mexicant food. (More on that later. I can't remember the name of the joint at this late hour, nor in my current condition.)
Okay! No more digression!
I told him about the policy change for the overtime. I told him about the upcoming hours (far more expected that received!) Then we got onto the topic of my career goals. We arrived there by talking about budgets, money, earnings & such. I've been holding my savngs at right around $k for a few weeks now. I've had to dip into it a few times but have managed to replace most of what I took out.
I told him that Iexpected to become more anxious about my decision the closer I came to having that cash for the deposit. It's the finality of it. Of course, it really hinges on how my interview goes. Nothing happens unitl I'm accepted. That isn't a foregone conclusion on my part.
He commented on how he understood that & would be more encouraging as I rolled up on the event. He also mentioned how this was at odds with my usual temperment. He's right of course. It's unlike me to take on such a challenge. That's part of the point. It is a career that I've been intersted in for nearly a decade. I wish I'd made the decision back in 2000 when it was cheaper to attend... & when I had a chunk of cash courtesy of the NCI layoff. Stupid... Still, I don't really think that I was ready. I think I'm ready now. In fact, I think I HAVE TO DO IT now.
Something has changed in me. At least I feel that something has changed in me. I attribute it in part to the accident in April of 2008.
I didn't feel right for months afterwards. I wasted the second half of a one-year contract, unable to focus & spending nearly half of my time going to chiropractic, physical therapy & massage therapy sessions. Even after the "recovery" I was still not 100%. MY head just wasn't there.
Once that contract was over & I was on my required break, I began to take stock of things. I looked at my circumstances differently somehow. As I critiqued the details of that wreck I realized how few factors aligned themselves to keep me alive. If I'd been stopped, rather than moving. If I had not been able to peak over the dash just enough to see the oncoming traffic. If I hadn't seen the chrome grill in my rearview mirror just before that imbecile piled into me at 50 MPH.
Thoughts began to percolate. I don't even honestly know that I have come to any other conclusions but one; I want somethnig different for myself. I may be the least likely person to evaluate what's going on in m own mind... but then again, most of the people that one would normally rust with advice are probably not to be trusted to want anyones interests bu their own. Even those who are closest are often the most narrow of mind & the most selfish. Should I say that I am not who I thougth I was? Perhaps I should say that I am who I thought I was. That I am NOT who others thought I should be.
Pardon the ramblings. They're taking me somewhere...
At some point, while perusing the job openings - something I have done oh so many times - & looking at where I am, where I thought I wanted to be, and where... Nothing. It became palpable. I hated it all. The groveling, the corporate politics, the managers & coworkers with their narcissistic posturing & neurotic manners. I'd had enough. I simply didn't fit in. More candidly & significantly... I DIDN'T DESIRE TO!
The relevance no longer exists. It's nothing more than a paycheck now. It serves as a means to get me out. The thought of enrolling in yet another period of indentured servitude made me nauseas. I began to understand (my own perception running rampant here) that I needed something... more. I wanted something that interested ME! I wanted to be working for MY goals, MY passions & MY FUTURE!
It was this pseudo-epiphany that brought me back to the interest in executive protection. I had already been interested. IN fact, I'd been juggling the idea since 200, as I mentioned. I simply didn't believe that I could afford it. Idiotic really, because I could have easier afforded it then as now. I had over $3500 from the NCI layoff. Had I taken a stupid security job, I'd have managed to pay my bills, put a bit aside & been training in Ecuador in less than two years. Stupid...
Yet here we are. I am once again looking at this opportunity. I'm looking at it more seriously than I ever have before. Time will tell whether or not I actually have the metal for this. It feels as if there are so many things I feel that I need to do to prepare. The money is only a portion of that. In fact, I realize now that the money will be the easiest part of the work.
Not so much really; learn Spanish to a functional level, get in the best physical condition of my life, & get some more-than-adequate self-defense skills. I'm also going to attempt to attempt to read up as much as possible on the trade as well as tomes on terrorism & life in foreign coutnries & combat zones. All of this occurs before the 2010 course commences. As I said, I may not even be acccepted. If accepted, I may get there & fall flat on my face.
If this is my fate... then at least I will be able to get on with my life. I'll likely forget about this misdirection & crawl back to the life that so disgust me now. Back to work with the rest of the drones. Ah, but if I SUCCEED! I will have remade myself. If I flourish at this, I cannot fathom too many other challenges in the remainder of my life that I will not attack with abandon. I truly feel that it is that great of an opportunity... if I succeed.
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