People who dream are looking for a temporary escape from the despair of their daily life. They don't belive that they possess the capability to correct their course or improve their condition. Interstingly, it's been my own experience that many of these people are the same ones who transfer their own ineptitude onto others with whom they come into contact. Their reactions to the interests & goals of others apparently range from disdain to acerbic attack.
This is one reason that I haven't mentioned my intentions to too many people. That includes my family. I'm not expecting lot of support there, nor anywhere else. Part of it is that in my past, I have rarely finished anything that I have started. So, I well deserve the backlash from that. The other reason is that I am interested in persuing a dangerous career field. Oddly, if I were talking abotu becomming a police officer or fireman, I doubt that I'd be having problems in the area of support.
Ultimately, this is up to ME! I'm on my own here, in organizing, planning & support. Nobody else is going to help me. (Though I will say that my landlord has been extremely decent abou this; essentially forgoing rent until I get the funds together. Of course despite our differences, I count him as one of the best friends that I will ever have, even if I do not believe that he understands what's actually behind a lot of this.)
Right now, I'm writing this as though to myself. I don't expect anyone to ever read it. It's just as well. I'm on my own in this. The blog if for me more than anyone else. It's either this or talk to myself.
As I said, I'm on my own. Certainly there is part of me that wants ot be able to meet people again & tell them "I told you that I'd do this." Yet ultimately, it doesn't matter to me if I never see them again. I've always been somewhat of a loner & feeling a need to be independent. I enjoyed it for a while but in teh lastfew years I've become reliant on the company of others. I hate it.
Any impetus, any preparation and the eventual outcome are in my hands. I must come to acknowledge also that even being accepted into training is fundamentally upom me. This is a burden... and it is a release.
I've thought again this week about perceptiosn; how I perceive those around me & how they observe me. I suspect that my utter disgust with my current environment & situation resembles anger. Part of it is, but it is mainly anger that I transfer. I don't despise those around me all that much more than I despise myself for being here... essentially by choice. I am where I am due to my own decisions. I am a product of them. That is the key however. Because it signifies that if one were to make dissimilar decisions, then the results would reflect such a correction.
Even now, part of me is doubting. (Yes... I know that this all sound like a horrible paperback novel at times.) I'm fairly certian that the doubt & fear will increase as I come closer to the goal. I suspect that is why self-motivation is so difficut. Honestly, the mor prepared I am for this, the more difficult it will be to make excuses not to follow through. That's one reason I'm writing this. I want to be able to look back & read it to remind me.
Do not let this last opportunity pass you by. You will never forgive yourself.
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